There is only one thing certain in life, we will all die. This is the only thing we know for sure. It will happen, no one lives forever. So why does this surprise us? This is the thing that almost takes the breathe away of those still living.
I knew this was happening over a year ago God softly whispered it in my ear and I accepted what I already knew. That we all die, but that his time was coming in the near future. I didn't feel much, he was never there, and as time went on a reconnection was made, not part of my plan. But as we know God has his own plan. So I began to talk to the Man that should know me better than any other man, to discover he knew nothing, but slowly found out I had some things in common with this stranger. Because this stranger was a part of me, there were things I got from him that I didn't even know. And even though I can count on my hands how many times I've seen him in my life, he is a part of me, like it or not. There was a whole other life he had with children that he cared for and were there for, but that wasn't my story.
I got past the hurt and the angry many years ago, but the disappointment will probably always be there. Because it would have been nice to have more to remember him by than just some phone calls over the last few months. That's all I have and that's all I plan to hold on to. All small as it is, I will hold on to that. To him asking me my favorite color because he didn't know what else to ask. You see we all die, we will all pass on, but as the living we get to decide what we hold on to. Do we hold on to the pain? Do we hold on to the missed opportunities? Do we hold on to the anger? Or do we hold on to the good stuff, even if it was only some phone calls? I always want to choose the good, I always want to choose what is best for my soul while I'm here on earth. Because we all die, we can't change it, we can't stop it, we can't buy our way out of it. So do what you can to change what you can... your outlook.
I honestly didn't think I would miss him, but I do. Only a few months of memories, but I miss him. I pray that when he passed on that he had peace with the fact that even though it was later we tried, WE tried. I pray that in his last months I gave him what he needed from me. I pray that he is now in heaven praising God and that one day I will see him again. And I pray for anyone who has lost someone and the relationship wasn't the best at the time they passed on. I pray you choose the good, I pray you let go of anything else, because that other junk it doesn't matter anymore. Whatever they did, didn't do, said, didn't say, it doesn't matter, you are still here and you have to go on and you have to choose.
I didn't get everything I wanted in those last conversations, but I got what I needed something GOOD to hold on to, and really that good enough for me.