Sometimes it not about you...

I didn’t grow up with a father, he had another family and other kids and he decided to be a father to his three other kids and not me. His then wife didn’t like me or the thought of me so she helped make it easy for him to have nothing to do with me. Why a woman would ever feel threatened by a child is beyond me, but so much is beyond me.

A few months ago, I knew my biological father was dying. God told me and I just figured it would happen and I would go to a funeral and that would be that, because you see it was around 8 years ago that I decided to forgive him to truly forgive him. I wanted to get pass the pain and you can forgive without being asked, and I needed to. So I did, I decided to lay it down I could no longer blame him for not being something he wasn’t equipped to be. He wasn’t equipped to be my father and I decided to be ok with that. I decided to let go of the lifetime of pain… for the unanswered calls, for him not following through, for the lack of caring, and the lack of love. Because he wasn’t equipped, and it’s not fair to blame someone for not having what it takes to be someone, that they can’t be.

One Saturday, my Pastor was preaching and something he said gave me a tugging on my heart and my biological father came to my mind. You see I had forgiven, but I hadn’t reached out to him even though God had told me he was dying. But I brushed this to the side until the night of our Women’s Christmas Banquet, that night I got a message, ‘Call your Dad’. After seeing I’m this I did the only thing a person in my position would do, I replied, ‘why?’ And got the answer, ‘He has cancer.’ The next week I fought with God, because I wasn’t going to do this. I wasn’t going to relive the memories. I wasn’t going to go through this, I forgave and moved on and I didn’t want to continue to revisit it. I’m one of those people who once it has passed I feel no need to bring it back up, I want to and do move on. But this is not what was happening so I yelled and kicked and screamed and told God, I would not, won’t, and you can’t make me. So for a week I went through an emotional roller coaster you wouldn’t believe, I woke up crying went to bed crying. I didn’t want to do anything and I for sure wasn’t going to call him. But God is so patient and loving and he lets us act like a three year old and he kindly tells us that this is what we need to do, but you can choose. So I made a deal with God (don’t laugh we all do it). I told him if I get his number I will call when I went to visit my mom for Christmas. So on my way home my mom calls and says, ‘Oh I ran into someone the other day and they gave me your dad’s number in case you wanted to call him’.  All I could do was laugh, because God will use randomness to get you to where he wants you to be.  I haven’t had this man’s number is like 10 years and someone gives it to my Mom. I made the call the first conversation was a blur, but the second one I got mad and asked the question I’ve always wanted to know. Why? His answer wasn’t he truth, it was the truth he has convinced himself that this was the truth. I know this isn’t the truth, a talk with my grandfather 8 years ago before he died revealed a lot to me about my childhood. But sometimes we tell ourselves lies for so long they become the truth to us. I decided to let it go because even the truth wouldn’t change anything, it wouldn’t make it any better, it wouldn’t change the past. The one thing I needed from this I didn’t get.

A few weeks ago, this all is going through my head and I’m asking God, why didn’t I get what I needed. And a gentle voice says, ‘It wasn’t for you, it was for him to have peace.’ Through all this I never thought about him or that, because I was the child and the one who was wronged. But he needed peace and forgiveness for the wrong that he did. I needed to give him what he needed. Because sometimes it isn’t about you.

This was something that only I could give, so I gave it.  So we have had conversations about everyday things, I have to admit it is strange, because he knows nothing about me.  So the questions that are asked, seems like those that would come from a compete stranger, not someone who’s DNA runs through my veins.  But he is a stranger,a stranger I share allergies with and personality traits and it’s strange to me.  But it’s becoming a new normal, something that has been happening with me a lot over the last 60ish days.

I’m one of those who have had a hard time seeing God as a father. But I was looking at it so wrong. Because the idea of a father wasn’t something I wanted God to be. I had to see him as THE father. THE one who created me, THE one who know the plans for my life. THE one who made the story of my life without a father, because he knew it wasn’t more than I could bare and that strength and faith would be built through the trials. And this is something I’m at peace with.

(Originally Written: 2.26.16)

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